Everyone wants to assume that their loved ones will age with grace and be able to take care of themselves indefinitely. In reality, this is not always the case, and most senior parents end up requiring some level of assistance from their children.
For siblings, dividing responsibilities and working together to help parents getting older can lead to conflict, burnout, and stress. In order to achieve the best outcomes — both for yourselves and your parents — it is essential that all siblings present a united front when it comes to care.
Here are some practical tips on communication, division of responsibilities, and conflict resolution to facilitate a harmonious and efficient caregiving experience without threatening your relationship with your siblings.
Schedule Communication and Set an Agenda
When it is clear that your parents need help, initiating the first conversations about what to do can create strain. It may be tempting to hint at the need for help and cooperation among other conversations, but the best way to approach the issue is directly.
Schedule a time for all siblings to be present, either in person or virtually, to discuss what to do next. Set an agenda to make sure all important topics are covered, and share it with everyone so they can add talking points if necessary. This intentionality helps to get a caregiving relationship started on the right foot.
Announce, not Accuse
It is common for one sibling to feel like they are taking on much more responsibility than others in caregiving. If this drives conflict, it is important to state how the situation makes you feel rather than making accusations.
Instead of “You never help mom on the weekends!” consider “I feel like I never have a weekend to myself, and having some help on the weekends would go a long way.”
Collaborate on Division of Responsibilities
All siblings should agree on how to divide the responsibilities. One of the most common sources of conflict is when one sibling assigns tasks to another sibling without their consent.
Instead, sit down (ideally during one of the scheduled meetings mentioned above) to lay out all the necessary tasks for caring for your parents. Then, divide those tasks according to people’s skills, geographic location, and other relevant factors.
Remember Personhood and Play to Strengths
The path to success with collaborative caregiving is to play to people’s strengths. Remember that each of you is a unique person with weaknesses, preferences, and memories of your parents.
If one of you has gone no-contact with a parent, consider giving them the tasks that keep them out of the house — grocery shopping, babysitting another sibling’s children while they provide care, researching in-home help, and more.
The same is true of siblings who live far away. They can take charge of much of the mental load as part of their responsibilities. Are the bills getting paid? Does the doctor have all the parent’s documents after a referral? These tasks can be accomplished at a distance to provide much-needed help to local siblings.
Create Accountability and Determine Consequences
Conflict is almost inevitable during parental caregiving because this is likely a new experience for everyone. However, this does not mean that disagreement must be a regular part of the process. Early on, establish accountability systems — such as shared checklists — and agree on the consequences when responsibilities are not upheld.
The best consequences will depend on your family’s unique dynamic and what each member values. It is most productive if all siblings agree to the consequences so no one feels unduly punished or targeted. In some instances, it may be wise to get help from a caseworker or other support structure.
Address Conflicts Individually
If a dispute does arise, one of the fastest ways to turn a sibling against the rest of the family is by targeting them as a group. This can cause them to feel like everyone is teaming up against them, and they may shut down as a result. Address conflict one-on-one to create a more productive and level conversation.
Explore Caregiver Support in Your Area
Children caring for an aging parent is a situation that most family members do not envision as part of their future, yet it is a common way for parents to spend their final years. Caregiver support groups are just one way of learning skills to maneuver caregiving effectively and avoid burnout.
Contact us to discover how the Shepherd’s Center of Northern Virginia is making a difference in communities like Oakton, Vienna, Dunn Loring-Merrifield, Great Falls, Herndon, and Reston. If you’re outside these areas but have questions, give us a call, and we’ll guide you to the Shepherd’s Center nearest to you!
December 3, 2024, we ask you to please keep the Shepherd’s Center of Northern Virginia in mind. As a non-profit we rely solely upon the support of community partners, grants and donations. To put your generosity into perspective, remember this, our funds go to enriching the lives of older adults in the communities we serve.